It’s been too long. I started off NaNoWriMo on fire and then burned out like a sexed out mayfly. And I learned, as we do, that perhaps starting an ambitious writing project riiiiiight as I’m starting to feel burned out in every single aspect of my life was not setting myself up for success.
I never left, and yet I am here now. Back again, with you.
We did it. We made it. Another year. When really, it feels like everything has been shit since 2016. Then again, maybe that’s just when I started paying attention.
2016. It wasn’t the very beginning of my deconstruction but its when it got out of idling and onto the freeway. Crashed a few times. Made a lot of mistakes. Accepted that prayer, guilt, and shame were not ever going to set me up onto the narrow path. And that the people who teach this to children, who get them to internalize it, are not holy people but merely adults ruled by the fears and scars of their own childhoods. I learned that the most important voice isn’t male, but mine. That truth is insanely nuanced and dogma and doctrine are all made up and there is absolutely no reason to not figure out how it works for you as you go.
Mistakes aren’t sin, but telling people that the way that who they are, and who they love (with full adult consent) is wrong and that a sadistic god gave them the “burden” of hating and rejecting themselves while white cishet asshats get to sexualize little girls in the name of holiness most definitely is. I think the fuck not. I genuinely cannot get through a post without ranting and fram, thats just the season I am in. I’m not changing it, or editing it. Anger is an emotion, and a fuel, that I am called to explore in this season.
I remember being a Christian and wondering why the atheists were so angry. Like fine, don’t believe in god, but let me believe in peace. But I get it now. It is infuriating to watch this nationalistic cult continue to hurt and scar and wound people for absolutely no reason. It is infuriating to watch people you love drink the koolaid and offer you some and look hurt when you smack it out of their hands like the poison it is. It is maddening. I am not an atheist, but I am angry. I am furious. And I am going to keep using that anger as fuel to keep going in this world. To leave it better than it was given to me, to raise my children to stop seeing borders as more important than people. To keep going. Because honestly, when will the Christians realize their own holy book, their own god was telling them this the whole time. The kingdom is already here, this is it. This beautiful world, the creatures in it, the mysteries and dangers and breath taking beauty – the experience of it – its all here. This is not the fallen world, this is not a left over that has been handed over to evil for us to patiently wait for it to all end in fire. This is it. This beautiful mishmash of pain and joy is everything. The fact that we have set fire to so much and so many and blamed evil spiritual beings instead of the rich and powerful is simply a testament to how much responsibility we have to right what we – not the devil – WE have wronged.
Which brings me back around to this new year. I don’t have a ton of resolutions. And I’m not going to get in shape or change the way I eat or write every day. I might spend more time, though, trying to figure out why I do not do the things I want to do (write) and try to spend a bit more time being quiet and trying to hear myself. And then heed myself.
And, starting today, and lasting not all year but for the next nine days, I will be doing a meditation on anger. And the place it has in my life.
Because I can be happy with where I am, and my life in the moment. And still be angry at what was taken from me. Anger does not have to rule me in order for it to fuel me. Anger is not just an emotion, or a reaction. It is a holy warning. To stop harm. To keep it from continuing. To stop toxic cycles. Anger is a gift. Anger isn’t something we heal from, it is the tool we use to heal. And anyone who says otherwise is just someone who doesn’t want to be stopped.
All of that being said, I guess I do have one resolution. This year, I’m getting published. This year, I’m getting paid for my writing. This year… I’m not hiding my brightness. Not from anyone.